Bypassing or Becoming? How to Tell the Difference in Your Spiritual Path
Spirituality is an integral part of many people's pursuit of developing a healthy relationship with themselves, others, and the world. Spirituality paves a path for one to connect to something sacred and larger than themselves by delving into their inner world to develop self-awareness and personal growth. In a therapeutic setting, spirituality can be a valuable resource for coping with challenging circumstances and promoting mental well-being. For some, spiritual beliefs can offer a sense of purpose and direction, which can be beneficial during times of stress or crisis. Spirituality is about confronting oneself within the context of the larger world, which can create a beautiful opportunity for a life filled with compassion, acceptance, and gratitude. However, what happens when spirituality is turned into a defense mechanism? In other words, when someone uses their spirituality as a way to deflect rather than confront? This concept is referred to as spiritual bypassing.
Spiritual bypassing is the tendency to use spiritual practices, beliefs, or experiences to avoid confronting difficult emotions, unresolved psychological wounds, or challenging life events or situations. Spiritual bypassing, in essence, is a form of avoidance where individuals use spirituality as a way to deflect from uncomfortable realities to present themselves as "highly vibrational." Rather than understanding the reality of one's circumstance, one who engages in spiritual bypassing may dismiss their reality and choose to exist in a mental space that feels more positive and emotionally safe, often paired with spiritual explanations even if it is not based in reality. Negative emotions are a normal part of the human experience and allow us to develop empathy and compassion for ourselves and others. Negative emotions are often an indicator that something in our life or within ourselves needs to change. When we downplay our emotions and paint them over with optimism, we miss an opportunity to connect with our intuition.
Most defense mechanisms serve a purpose, as in, we engage with them for a reason that feels helpful to us. While bypassing can be a way to protect oneself from harm and nurture harmony, it does not bring resolution to a real issue at hand. Instead, it merely overlooks a problem, leaving it to brew without any settlement. This level of psychological protection comes with a cost. Ignoring or avoiding real issues can exacerbate stress in the long term and make the problem more challenging to resolve further down the road.
Moreover, spiritual bypassing can be a way to avoid accountability. When we choose not to look at the reality of a situation, there is no opportunity to take action or grow from the experience. There is something to be said about manifestation and trusting the higher universe to guide us through life. But when we take no action, deflect, or avoid responsibility and claim that everything will sort itself out because we believe in a higher power, we remain stagnant. Phrases like "everything happens for a reason" can be used to put aside responsibility for one's choices or the harm caused by others. This mindset keeps individuals from taking the necessary steps toward making amends and addressing issues. Ruptures form an opportunity for repair, and working through the process of repair is courageous and promotes relational growth.
When we look at cultures that are strongly influenced by spirituality, there is a foundation of ongoing work and practice that is required. This is not to say we should place all of our value on work, but it is essential to acknowledge that work and effort are a part of taking good care of ourselves and our community. Spirituality does not promise that the universe will hand us things but instead aligns our efforts, integrity, and practice with our deepest purpose. Another layer to add is the practice of humility. Spirituality encourages a collective attitude where we cultivate a non-judgmental and compassionate outlook by listening to and accepting others for who they are and acting with integrity. When spirituality leads one to a state of grandiosity, one engages in the perception of "othering." Othering is where an individual or a group of people believe they are above someone else or another group of people, essentially separating themselves from the collective. Othering creates a dissonance in how we view our relationships with others.
The concept of forgiveness is another spiritual principle that is often misunderstood. Spirituality promotes the practice of forgiveness towards ourselves and others when they are wrong or hurt us. While forgiveness is a beautiful thing in giving ourselves and others another chance, premature forgiveness can be harmful. Individuals wanting to abide by their spiritual principles might rush to forgive others or tolerate unacceptable behavior without holding them accountable for their actions. Premature forgiveness, or over-tolerance, can enable unhealthy relational dynamics and negate healing and change. When we push others into premature forgiveness, we choose not to respect where they are at in their process, which can create a relational rupture and miss an opportunity to see and support someone fully.
Another concept often used in spirituality is the practice of "non-attachment," which means to care without clinging and to engage with life fully while letting go of the need to control outcomes, possess people, or resist change. Non-attachment is not indifference, avoidance, numbing out, or isolation but rather a practice of inner freedom, presence over possession, loving without controlling, and acceptance of importance. Within the principle of non-attachment, we recognize that everything changes, including emotions, relationships, and success, and we do not resist this reality. In addition, we practice being in the moment without needing to own or hold onto it. When the practice of "non-attachment" isolates us from others and results in a mentality of indifference or "not caring," we miss the mark.
Spirituality is about the embodiment of principles rather than arriving at a destination of transcendence or enlightenment. It is through the practice of holding oneself accountable and the opening of one's heart through acknowledging and healing wounds that the brief moments of what is called in Buddhism "Satori" happens. Satori is defined as periodical moments of awakening and understanding of one's true nature that occur throughout a lifetime. By prioritizing a "higher" state of being, we forget to practice being fully present and engaged with earthly realities, including difficult emotions, circumstances, and relationships. Spirituality is about becoming, and becoming involves patience, and a authentic spiritual development that integrates all aspects of oneself, including the shadow side. Spiritual becoming brings the potential for deeper self-understanding, increased emotional resilience, stronger relationships, and a more enriched and fulfilling life.
Signs of Spiritual Bypassing
Believing in your spiritual superiority is a way to hide from insecurities.
Believing that traumatic events serve as a "learning opportunity" or that there is a silver lining behind every negative experience.
Unattainable idealism.
Constantly promoting love, light, and positivity while avoiding negative feelings, including anger and sadness.
Using spiritual jargon to deny or dismiss suffering.
Disengaging from the world or relationships in the name of "non-attachment."
Using meditation or spiritual practices to numb rather than process.
Pretending that things are fine when they are not.
Using defense mechanisms such as denial repression
Blaming karma, divine will, or "everything is an illusion" to avoid accountability.
Not taking responsibility or justifying harmful behavior through spiritual concepts.
Projecting unresolved trauma onto others while believing oneself to be spiritually advanced.
Spiritual bypassing does not mean that one is bad or deceptive, but rather that one still has healing and integration work to do, which can be done with the help of a therapist alongside the support of spiritual practices like yoga, breathwork, meditation, etc. A therapist can help with spiritual bypassing by gently guiding a client to explore the emotional and psychological wounds that spiritual beliefs or practices might be unintentionally covering up. A therapist can help someone move from "spiritually bypassing" to spiritually integrating and becoming by honoring the client's beliefs while creating room for emotional truth, shadow work, and embodied healing.
Here are some further ways a therapist can be supportive in this process:
Identifying the Bypass - Recognizing when spiritual language or practices are being used to deflect, avoid, and suppress trauma and emotional pain.
Encouraging Emotional Authenticity - Supporting clients in feeling and identifying their emotions, validating emotional pain as a part of the human experience, and balancing spiritual insight with psychological healing.
Exploring Core Wounds- Guiding clients to explore patterns established from childhood, attachment wounds, and trauma.
Integrating Spirituality with Psychology - It's crucial for therapists not to remove spirituality but to integrate it in a grounded way and discern the difference between healthy spiritual practice and avoidance.
Using Mind-Body or Trauma-Informed Approaches - Therapists can use interventions from Internal Family Systems (IFS) and somatic therapy to help clients access their inner parts and reconnect with the body, especially when spiritual bypassing leads to a disconnection from feelings.