The Slow Burn of Therapy: Why Lasting Change Takes Time
In today's world, we are conditioned to seek efficiency: fast food, overnight shipping, instant answers. That mindset can often creep into therapy, too. Many people come in hoping for a clear and tangible set of steps to "fix" their problem. In this culture that values a "quick fix", it can be frustrating when we are feeling a need for change and discover that this change will possibly take longer than we had hoped. As therapists, we sometimes hear clients ask: "When will I start to feel better?" or "I've been coming to therapy for 2 months, why has my life not improved yet?" or it can sound like, "I'm feeling impatient with this process."
Unlearning old patterns, deepening our understanding of ourselves, and achieving overall change takes time. This process often requires our surrender, patience, and self-compassion. In essence, entering a therapeutic relationship invites one to trust that they are moving towards something meaningful. Therapy is not a sprint- it's a slow burn that creates profound, lasting change. Therapy can often feel slow as long patterns don't dissolve overnight. Typically, we come into therapy as adults with years of history and conditioning to explore, unpack, and work through. If the process gets rushed, an overwhelming flooding can often happen where our nervous systems don't have the capacity to hold onto and shift everything all at once.
In the context of Internal Family Systems (IFS), the different "parts" of ourselves are usually formed at a young age and work to protect us from perceived harm. For example, say you were often dismissed or neglected as a child. You may have formed a "hyper independent" part that protects you from disappointment and keeps you afloat. When your therapist starts to work with this part and invites change in, this part can get defensive. It might say: "This is how I do things to keep you safe and thriving. We can't change this system, or you won't survive". This part is most likely going to need some time to trust your "wise" self so that it can take a break. In essence, it can take time for our parts to surrender their grip and trust a new way of thinking about things.
Some therapeutic interventions can be more straightforward. For example, if a client is struggling with time management, their therapist might recommend that they start using a planner to map out their day-to-day tasks and appointments. If the client starts this process and gets into the habit of doing that, then their time management skills will most likely improve. While some practical tools – like grounding exercises, communication strategies, and thought reframes – can offer immediate relief, they do not always reach the root of the issue. For example, if a client comes in with a long history of feeling in "fight or flight" mode and struggles with feeling safe in their body, exploring any trauma history that the client has while doing nervous system regulation work will require some more time. Deep emotional work is slow. It requires sitting with discomfort, exploring long-standing patterns, and unpacking emotions that have been avoided or buried. This process can help discover the "why" beneath the behaviors and emotions, while building awareness of triggers, beliefs, and internalized narratives. The payoff here is more profound; instead of patching a surface crack, you're reinforcing the foundation. While quick fixes can relieve pain, the deeper work heals the wound.
Oftentimes, a client might think they are making no progress, despite the evidence that things are shifting for them. They may be reacting less strongly to conflict, setting boundaries, and noticing their negative emotions sooner. While these shifts may not drastically or noticeably change their lives, they are still essential to recognize. These more minor, often-overlooked shifts are usually just the beginning of significant breakthroughs. Progress in therapy is often about noticing rather than doing. Learning how to pay attention to our wants, needs, patterns, and bodily cues is essential for cultivating a life that feels in alignment with our values, while also establishing a safer relationship between our mind and body.
So how can you trust the slow burn? A first step can be to believe that your efforts will compound, even if you can't see it yet. Just deciding to seek out help is a fantastic start. Additionally, reframing plateaus is vital. Plateaus are a part of integration, not failures. A therapist can provide you with tangible and quick tools, but the deeper relationship you develop with your experience over time is what creates lasting and sustainable change.